


Operation: Who's Your Daddy

by Marri



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: (or so thinks the internet), Background Relationships, Darcy Lewis is Tony Stark's Daughter, Gen, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-27 11:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5046547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marri/pseuds/Marri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"So the internet has decided you're my father."</i>
</p><p>In which Tony and Darcy stumble upon some fan theories, and immediately decide to be trolls about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"So the internet has decided you're my father."

Tony dropped the coffee Darcy was handing him, splattering it everywhere. He didn't seem to notice. _"Excuse me?"_

Darcy looked down at her outfit with a pout. "Dude! I like these jeans!" Behind her she heard a quiet laugh, and she turned to flash a bright smile at Dr. Banner.

Tony waved a hand distractedly. "Not the point! The point is- the point-" he stalled, then spluttered, _"Father?"_

"I can see it," Bruce said thoughtfully with a wink at Darcy. "The ages are about right."

Tony threw a screw at him. "No! I will not have such talk! First of all, I am in the prime of my life. Barely. _Barely_ in the prime of my life! And you-" he waved a wrench in Darcy's direction. "You are _entirely_ too old to be the daughter of a young, virile specimen such as myself. I mean, look at me."

"Actually, sir, you are twenty years older than Ms. Lewis, which is a perfectly reasonable age difference for you to be-" Jarvis began.

"Lalalalala I'm not liiiiiistening," Tony sang, holding his hands over his ears until Jarvis stopped. When he finally uncovered his ears, he glared at the ceiling. "Traitor."

"You programmed me to be accurate, sir," Jarvis said, sounding rather put out.

"Doesn't matter, don't care. Revealing my secrets! For shame." Tony turned back to Darcy, only to find her holding out a new coffee. "How-?"

"Seriously? This is Stark Tower. You probably own more coffee machines than Starbucks. Like, the company. Collectively." Tony made grabby hands for the coffee cup, but she waggled it out of his reach. "Drop this one on me and so help me, I'm telling Thor about the marshmallow incident."

"Low blow, Lewis."

"Would you prefer the taser?"

"You see this?" Tony asked Bruce, ignoring Darcy. "Ingratitude, that's what this is. Rank ingratitude!"

"What can I say?" Darcy smirked. "I'm going through my rebellious phase. You're not my _real_ dad!"

Tony whirled back to her. "Ugh, _no_ , none of that. I am not father material! Can you _imagine_?"

Darcy cackled. "Oh my Thor, the looks on people's faces-"

She stopped.

Tony stopped.

Bruce stopped, and groaned, and dropped his head in his hands. "Oh, no."

"Oh, _yes_ ," Tony said gleefully.

"You should not be encouraging this," Bruce said tiredly, to neither of them in particular.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Darcy said airily. "Trolling the internet is an important part of a balanced superhero diet."

"Jarvis, new file," Tony ordered.

An empty page unfolded in blue in the air in front of him. "Name, sir?"

"Operation: Who's Your Daddy," he said, looking excessively pleased with himself, then waved at Darcy. "Lewis! Get over here! We have trolling to plan and time's a-wastin', chop chop."

Bruce rolled his eyes and turned back to his microscope. "This is a terrible idea," he told them.

"We work with you, Big Green," Darcy reminded him. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"I _really_ wish you hadn't asked that."

* * *

Once she'd changed into coffee-free jeans, Darcy and Tony spent the next three hours curled up in lab chairs as Jarvis scrolled through various fanfiction on the screen in front of them. "How do people even come up with this?" Tony asked when they'd finished item seventeen. "Does fact checking mean nothing to these people?"

"Hey, don't look at me," Darcy shrugged, "you're the one rocking the whole media ducklings look, aren't you used to it?"

"This is different," he said, aggrieved. "This makes me feel old."

"Thor save us all," Darcy deadpanned. "How will you live."

"Revenge, obviously. Revenge, plus lots of youth-affirming sex with Pepper."

There was a groan from Bruce's side of the room. "Jarvis, rule six," Bruce called.

"Of course, Dr. Banner," Jarvis agreed.

Darcy elbowed Tony in the side. "So, what do you owe her this time?"

"I think it's shoes this week?" Tony said, brow furrowed.

"Handbag, sir," Jarvis corrected him.

"Yeah, yeah, close enough. Go for it, J." Tony bent back over his tablet and flicked to the next story. "How did you even find this stuff, Lewis?" _  
_

"Um, by reading fanfic? Because fanfic is the best thing since sliced bread. Sliced bread with shirtless men. Really hotshirtless men with muscles that say 'come to mama'," Darcy replied dreamily.

"Gross," Tony wrinkled his nose at her.

"Oh hell no. Rule six, dude. You require a _rule_ about discussing your sex life in front of people."

"...touché. Let us never speak of it again."

"So, what's the plan, boss man?"

"Escalation," he declared. "Teasing them with hints, then- wham! They won't know what hit them."

"I'm getting kinda a maniacal evil villain vibe, here. Me likey," Darcy nodded approvingly.

"I almost feel sorry for the internet," Bruce remarked. "You two are a menace."

Tony's face fell far too quickly to be natural, and he leaned over his desk in Bruce's direction to flutter his eyelashes sadly. "Brucie! I'm hurt. You're supposed to be on my side."

Bruce laughed. "I said almost!" Tony just looked at him skeptically and kept pouting.

"Boys, boys. The bonds of Science! will forever unite us," Darcy said piously. Tony high-fived her, and she bounced over to Bruce to get one from him too. " _Score._ "

* * *

Once they had the beginnings of a plan hashed out, Darcy left Tony's lab with a skip in her step and a box of Poptarts in hand for Jane (and Thor. Realistically, mostly Thor.) She was whistling and preparing a coffee to go with the Poptarts when a throat cleared behind her shoulder. She yelped but managed not to drop the coffee. "Dude, warn a girl!" She turned to come face to face with a suit and tie. She sighed internally. Agent iPod Thief.

"My apologies, Ms. Lewis," Agent Coulson said, not looking terribly sorry. "Do you have a moment?"

"Do I have a choice?" she asked with a glower.

"You're plotting with Tony Stark," he told her mildly. "That's the sort of thing that causes SHIELD agents to appear and ask questions."

She made an undignified squeaking sound. "How-!"

Coulson raised an eyebrow at her. "Ms. Lewis, the idea that I wouldn't find out about this is laughable. And, frankly, a little insulting."

"It's been like ten minutes!"

"Tony Stark just posted a picture of you on Instagram- in the lab, I might add, which violates a number of security protocols. And it's captioned  _Kid's a world class science wrangler_. Your previous interactions with Mr. Stark have been limited to," he checks a clipboard that she hadn't noticed before but of course he had, "feeding him and bullying him into occasionally sleeping at Ms. Potts' request, but the majority of your time is spent with Dr. Foster. And suddenly you appear on his Instagram. Surely you understand our concern." _  
_

She managed not to smirk when he brought up Tony calling her _kid,_ but only barely. "...no?" she tried.

"You've spent more time in Mr. Stark's lab today than you have in the last three weeks. Combined."

"He's very impressed with my kickass cooking and felt compelled to memorialize it?"

"Your competition is a robotic arm that makes smoothies out of motor oil."

"He likes to chill with us spectacularly normal people sometimes instead of the Men In Black and/or Tights?"

Coulson didn't even respond to that one. He just stared at her. Darcy stared back. Intimidation tactics, so what? She'd tased Thor, damnit. Bring it, iPod Thief. Okay, maybe she squirmed. A little. But just a little!

"Very well." He tucked his clipboard under his arm and shook his head with a sigh. She got the strange feeling he wasn't being disapproving, it looked more like- concern? "Just remember, Ms. Lewis, you can always come to me for help."

And okay, that was a little worrying.

* * *

The photo didn't exactly go viral; Tony Stark could only post so many pictures of attractive coworkers before the internet collectively ceased to care. But in the particular corner of the internet Tony and Darcy were most interested in, speculation was rampant. Later that night Darcy got a text.

_Dance, my pretties, dance!_

She put the coffee down in front of Jane and tapped out a quick reply.  _OMG RIGHT? THIS IS THE BEST I need popcorn._

Jane took a sip of the coffee and spluttered indignantly. "Darcy, is this  _decaf?"_ she asked, sounding betrayed.

"Nuh-uh, those puppy eyes don't work on me," Darcy told her, unimpressed. "You haven't slept in almost 24 hours. I'm cutting off your caffeine."

"I know, I know, but I'm so close to getting this calibrated, I just need another hour, maybe two? You see, if you line up these two fields, then-"

"Jane, the calibration isn't going anywhere," Darcy said patiently. "We can talk about it in the morning."

Jane started to object again, but Darcy's phone started to ring. She cut Jane off with a wave of her hand. " _Bed_ , boss lady. And I mean to sleep, not the Sexy Funtime Opera performance, capiche? Mama Darcy needs her beauty sleep for once. And possibly brain bleach." She hit Accept Call as she rounded up Jane's papers from under her. "Sex Bomb, Tony? Seriously? What did I say about hacking my phone?"

"That it's awesome and I vastly improve your life with my genius?"

"Okay, so I love Cap's blush when Star Spangled Man with a Plan plays as much as the next warm-blooded American girl, but no points for originality. Disappointing, dude."

" _Harsh_."

"You're just lucky I changed Natasha's back before she heard it. Death wish much?" She swiped the last of Jane's papers and used them to lure her friend towards the lab exit. Sometimes Science Wrangler was a surprisingly literal job title.

"Killer Queen is a national treasure and you should be ashamed of yourself," Tony said in her ear.

"So you'd let me tell her you're the one who changed it?" Darcy asked, narrowing her eyes at the phone. In her distraction, Jane made a grab for her papers and almost got them away, but Darcy spun away and held Jane off with one hand. (Honestly, it didn't take much effort. She loved Jane and all, but the woman would blow away in a stiff breeze. Which she was _not_ turning into a dirty joke about Thor, thanks very much, brain.)

"...on second thought, you are a wise and loving friend whose advice I should take to heart."

"Well duh, always." Darcy locked Jane's papers in a drawer and glared at her until her shoulders slumped and she headed for the elevators. Not trusting the sudden acquiescence, she looked at the nearest ceiling camera. "J-man? Can you do your thing?"

"Of course, Ms. Lewis. Wrangler Protocol is now active. Dr. Foster's access to the lab will be suspended until she has slept for a minimum of four hours."

Darcy gave the camera a thumbs up with her free hand, then turned back to the phone, which was squawking. "Yeah?"

"You were ignoring me!" Tony complained.

"Don't sound so shocked, dude. Jane has dibs on me. This Is Known."

"You work for me!"

"Technically I work for Pepper."

"Worst fake daughter ever," Tony grumbled.

"The internet disagreeees," she hummed.

"I know!" he agreed, instantly distracted. "It's great, right? It's so great. I haven't had this much fun messing with people since Majorca!"

"Oooh, what's this? What happened in Majorca? Spill!" Darcy ordered as she plopped down at her desk. Powering up her laptop took only a second as she went rooting for the latest Darcy Stark theories.

"Little of this, little of that, forms were signed, vows of secrecy were made, but it _may_ have involved an elephant, three royals and a bedazzled speedo."

"Oh, we are _so_ using this for Operation Who's Your Daddy." 


	2. Chapter 2

**Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** ugh my dad is useless without his coffee

 **Tony Stark (@iamironman):** @ohmythoryou misspelled "nectar of the gods" there

 **Jane Foster (@einsteinrosengal):** @ohmythor You're just as useless before we get coffee, you know.

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** @einsteinrosengal jane you traitor stop revealing my secrets

 **Thor Odinson (@thorodinson):** @ohmythor YOU HAVE KEPT SECRETS FROM US, SHIELD-SISTER DARCY?

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** @thorodinson first of all no

 ** ** **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):****** @thorodinson and second of all we talked about the caps lock thing

 ** ** ** ** **Thor Odinson (@thorodinson):********** @ohmythor MY APOLOGIES LADY DARCY

* * *

The forums ate it up.  _Tony Stark is addicted to coffee, right?_ and  _Look, he even responded to it! Was she talking about him???_ and  _OMFG MAYBE HE'S THE SECRET!_

They settled into a routine; post something, wait a couple hours to bask in the results, repeat. By the third day Jarvis had already ordered them more popcorn twice. The hardest part of their game, they quickly learned, was finding things to post that implied  _father_ which did not also imply  _boyfriend._

"Not this either," Darcy said, scratching out a line on their list. "You sound jealous, not fatherly. First rule of Tony Stark articles: if you could be boning it, they'll say you're boning it." _  
_

"That's because I probably am," Tony said with an exaggerated leer.

"Dude, Pepper would kill you deader than dead."

"She probably would," Tony agreed glumly. "Wouldn't even break a fingernail."

"Yeah, well, you're kind of dating the business version of Natasha."

"You take that back!" Tony said, waving a screwdriver at her.

"Why?" Natasha asked in an interested voice from behind them.

Tony shrieked and fell off his workbench. Darcy looked at her admiringly. "Where did you even come from?"

"Speak my name and I am summoned," Natasha said dryly, staring at Tony. "You were saying?"

Darcy watched with interest as Tony's face slowly turned green. "That obviously I am not worthy of someone of your infinite perfection?" he squeaked.

She considered. "Acceptable." And then she walked out.

Tony's phone beeped the start of the William Tell overture.  _Good save._

_Damnit Barton, I told you to stop bugging the lab!_

_And you thought I'd listen?_

* * *

**Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** when I grow up I want to be just like @blackwidow #girlpower

 ** **Tony Stark (@iamironman):**** @ohmythor we need to have a talk about sane life goals, like, now

* * *

Tony walked into the common area reading aloud from his phone. " _He's lecturing her about her life goals, that is TOTALLY a dad move!_  See, Lewis, I told you my response was genius. Now we just-" He looked up and stopped dead, staring at his collected teammates. "Lewis," he said again, sounding panicked. "That is a  _kitten_. In  _my tower_."

"Technically, it's  _two_  kittens," Steve said helpfully, but his eyes were dancing. Tony gave him an unimpressed look.

Darcy just continued to coo over the kitten in her lap. "Did the big fancy MIT prodigy just successfully identify a cat? Yes he  _did_ , didn't he?"

"Harsh, Lewis." Tony sat himself down on the edge of the circle tentatively, eying the cats. "Now, explain. Quickly."

"It's National Cat Day! It's an animal adoption promotion or something, they send kittens to you."

"So what, you just- ordered some?"

"Duh. As thought I wouldn't."

"As long as you know you're responsible for the mess." He looked over at Natasha, who was playing with the other kitten. "Is that a  _garrote?"_

Natasha looked at him with a faint smile. "Right now, it's a cat toy."

"I'm surrounded by lunatics," Tony sighed, flopping backwards.

* * *

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** kittens at work today! i'm in loooooove where do i get one

 ** ** **Tony Stark (@iamironman):****** @ohmythor NO. NO NO NO. NO PETS.

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** @iamironman what about a pony? 

 ** ** **Tony Stark (@iamironman):****** @ohmythor STILL A PET.

 **Thor Odinson (@thorodinson):** @iamironman SURELY THE LADY DARCY DESERVES A WORTHY MOUNT

 ** ** ** **Tony Stark (@iamironman):******** @thorodinson that's what cars are for

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** @thorodinson thor you giant troll what did i say about the caps lock thing

 **Thor Odinson (@thorodinson):** @ohmythor I MERELY FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF THE MAN OF IRON

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** @iamironman this is all your fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the best and I love you all <3 Thanks for all the love!


	3. Chapter 3

_He would be the best dad ever, I bet she totally gets a pony for Christmas. Luckyyyyy._

_do you think he really bought her a car? i bet he's bought her like four lol_

Tony tapped his fingers on his desk as the posts scrolled by, radiating glee and impatience in equal measure. He looked up as Darcy entered the room. "Lewis!"

Darcy didn't look up from typing on her phone. "I bring Science Treats!" She started at Jane's desk, pulling cups from her bag with her free hand. "Rocket fuel..." then Bruce's desk, "Organic hippie crap..." and finally Tony's, "Rocket fuel!"

"Coffee!" Tony exclaimed. He chugged the entire drink in one go, then regarded it sadly. Darcy wordlessly pulled a second cup from the bag and put it on the table. "Lewis, you are a queen among lab assistants. A shining star, an angel, an-"

"I'm your only lab assistant," Darcy said, still typing.

"Immaterial. Now put your phone down, we're supposed to be plotting!"

Darcy hit Send and gave him a big, patently fake smile. "But then how would I send Pepper your report card? C- overcaffeination, A+ no explosions."

Tony pouted. "Fine, keep your secrets."

"Sir?" Jarvis chimed in before Tony could get too sulky. "You requested to be notified when the countdown began."

"Countdown?" Darcy inquired.

Tony pointed at one of the numbers on the screen. "Our ACID count is almost at a thousand!" Darcy squealed with excitement, loud enough that Jane actually looked up in surprise before mumbling something about quantum constants and returning to her notes.

"ACID?" Bruce asked warily.

"Adequately Convinced Internet Denizens," Tony explained proudly.

Bruce shook his head and sipped his tea. "I should have known."

"Yes, yes you should, everything's better with acronyms," Tony said absently. He and Darcy stood shoulder to shoulder watching the number tick upwards, both of them practically bouncing with excitement. "Seven... eight... nine... ONE THOUSAND!" 

On cue, the ceiling speakers started blaring "CEEEEEEELEBRAAAATION!" On the far side of the lab, Jane jumped in surprise, then started swearing as something gave a loud  _crack!_ and caught fire.

Darcy turned to Tony. "Aaand you're down to B-."

Tony scowled. "Doesn't count, Lewis! Wasn't my explosion!"

"You distracted me!" she retorted. "I left Jane unsupervised.  _Jane_. There could have been wormholes, dude. Count your exploding blessings."

"Foster knows the rules," Tony scoffed, "wormholes are strictly lab three _only_." He reached under his desk and pulled out a box. "Now, back to the important things. Party hat?"

* * *

Tony, Darcy and all the robots wound up in matching Iron Man colored party hats (and Darcy's selfie with DUM-E caused their ACID number to jump another ten points). Bruce tried to take a blue hat, but Tony made surprisingly effective puppy eyes at him until he took a green one. Darcy even finagled Jane into a hat, but it was sacrificed to Science! and the underside of one of Jane's machines in short order.

And then the others arrived.

Thor and Steve technically walked in together, but Thor was loud enough that Steve almost got overlooked. "Man of Iron! Your tiny metal creations inform me there is merriment to be had!" he boomed.

Darcy leapt on Thor from behind for a hug, squealing in delight as he swung her around, but experience had her scooting back as soon as her feet hit the ground. At which point Jane arrived from her side of the lab and attached herself to Thor's face, so, yes, Darcy liked her tactful distance. She grinned at Steve as he moved her direction, obviously for similar reasons. "Nice hat, dude."

He smiled ruefully. "If anyone was going to find a star spangled party hat, it'd be Tony."

"He probably bought a boxful the day you moved in," she agreed. "What was that about tiny metal creations?"

Steve held out a tiny drone the size of his palm, buzzing ineffectually and wearing a note that read _GET IN LOSERS, WE'RE GOING DRINKING._

"Awww," Darcy cooed, attempting to pet it. "Little, mechanical and annoying, just like Tony."

Tony's shout of "I HEARD THAT, LEWIS!" was interrupted by a knife flying into the lab and embedding itself into the wall, a black party hat attached. Tony looked at it and swore. "Now, Natasha-"

"What?" Natasha asked, walking in with Clint. Natasha somehow made the black party hat look like a red carpet accessory; Clint, on the other hand, seemed to have located the extra purple party hats and had stuck them down his back like dinosaur spikes. "I was promised drinks."

"Wait, if that's not your hat, then-" Tony said, turning slowly.

"Yes, Mr. Stark?" Agent Coulson asked blandly.

"I really hate you sometimes, Agent."

* * *

Coulson actually managed to talk Tony out of a Grand Clubbing Adventure. Darcy still wasn't quite sure how he'd done it, but she took notes anyway. However it happened, the group wound up curled up on couches next to the Tower bar while the celebratory drinking began in earnest. And then the celebratory shots. And then the celebratory bragging. As it turned out, Natasha's upper limit for listening to her teammates brag about their respective girlfriends: forty five minutes. Which was about forty minutes longer than Darcy would have lasted if she wasn't busy egging Thor on singing Jane's praises. (The girl code is the girl code, and Jane is the best.)

"There is entirely too much testosterone happening at this table," Natasha said disapprovingly. "I need more vodka." She looked meaningfully at Clint and Coulson. After a conversation that consisted entirely of raised eyebrows, Coulson sighed and got up to help. Clint smirked.

"How do you even  _do_ that?" Darcy demanded.

"Mystical powers," Clint said, wiggling his fingers at her.

"There is no-!" Tony started indignantly.

"-such thing as magic," the rest of the group finished for him, before dissolving into laughter. Tony pouted.

"Your ancestors called my kind magic, once," Thor reminded them.

"See? Thank you, Thor!" Tony said triumphantly.

"And yet-" Thor began. Tony cut him off, Jane scolded him for the interruption, and so the usual argument commenced. Given an idea, Darcy slipped off to her room. This wouldn't take long.

When she returned, Tony was trapped his in chair with Mjolnir in his lap, Thor was completely failing to look innocent and Bruce had actually fallen out of his chair laughing. Darcy let them wind down briefly before she waltzed back in. "Tada!"

"Lewis," Tony groaned. "Why are you dressed as a witch."

"I'm  _magic_ ," she beamed.

"You are not magic. No one is magic! There will be no magic here!" he complained.

"Ah-ah-ah," she shook her head at him. "Save it for the internet."

Since unlike most normal humans, scotch only improved Tony's comprehension, he understood her plan immediately. "Lewis, you genius, I love it, come have another shot with me." She headed to join him, but he raised a hand. " _Without_ the witch hat."

* * *

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** nooooo my witch costume has been banned from the tower

 **Tony Stark (@iamironman):** @ohmythormore science, less magic, chop chop

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** @iamironman we already science. come onnnnn please?

 **Tony Stark (@iamironman):** @ohmythornot under my roof, young lady! SCIENCE OR BUST

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** @iamironman you're not the boss of me!

 **Tony Stark (@iamironman):** @ohmythormy world famous state of the art skyscraper, my rules

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** @iamironman you suck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I don't know how my brain got so stuck in a block, BUT AT LONG LAST I HAVE DEFEATED IT. Guessing one more chapter plus a bonus Avengers House Rules at the end.
> 
> You are all awesome and I love every single one of you.


	4. Chapter 4

Darcy danced into the living room the Tower residents used as a common area. "Well? Tell me I'm not smokin'. Except you can't, because duh, I am."

She realized too late that it was no longer just Tony in the room. Steve, chatting at the table with Coulson, turned at her entrance and promptly choked on his sandwich. She grinned at him innocently. "Hey there, Cap."

Coulson looked up and gave a long suffering sigh. "Really, Ms. Lewis?"

"You don't care what I wear unless it's got government secrets on it," Darcy said breezily, plopping herself on the nearest armchair. "Don't get your panties in a bunch just 'cause your mancrush-" Coulson made a pained sound and she amended, "-fine, 'cause Cap here can't take his eyes off the girls."

Steve turned red, relocated his eyes to her face and started to stammer an apology. Darcy waved it off. "Dude, it's fine. My rack is like, the black hole of vision. Even people who don't like boobs stare at my boobs, it's a thing."

"It's  _perfect_ ," Tony crowed, rubbing his hands together and circling her. Her new bikini was bright red and carefully bedazzled with little gold rhinestones (she'd tried to use the large ones, but the bikini was far too skimpy). "It's even in my colors!"

Clint and Natasha walked in behind him; Clint sized up Darcy's outfit (or lack thereof) and gave her an appreciative smirk, while Natasha just arched a questioning eyebrow.

"We're taking over the world," she told the spies casually.

"World domination is a violation of Rule 723, section A, paragraph 3," Coulson said.

"Quiet, Agent Agent, your rules do not apply to me," Tony said with a dismissive wave. "Lewis is a fantastic minion. Why aren't you lot better minions? You should take lessons. Jarvis, make a note: minion classes for everyone."

"So noted, sir."

"Excuse you," Darcy sniffed. "I'll have you know that I am an  _evil henchwoman_ , not a  _minion_."

"It's things like this that explain Rule 723," Coulson said conversationally to Clint and Natasha as they sat down at the table. "They know that, right?"

"You'll only encourage him," Natasha warned.

"Unfortunately for the rest of us, I think Miss Lewis has that covered," Coulson sighed.

* * *

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** latest bedazzling project: COMPLETE [bikini.png]

 **Tony Stark (@iamironman):** @ohmythorexcuse you? put some clothes on right now young lady

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** @iamironman it's a bikini! it's supposed to look like that!

 **Clint Barton (@hawkeyed):** @ohmythor don't listen to him, you look great Darce ;)

 **Darcy Lewis (@ohmythor):** @hawkeyed THANK you <3

 **Tony Stark (@iamironman):** @hawkeyed _don't even think about it_

* * *

The next day in the lab, Darcy eyed her Twitter nervously. "Hey Clint? Natasha knows we're joking, right?"

Clint, who had stopped by to pick up a new set of arrows from Tony, looked over in surprise. "Huh? Yeah, of course. Why?"

"I  _value being alive,_ duh."

Clint raised an eyebrow. "You know Tasha and I aren't a thing, right?"

Darcy rolled her eyes. "Does it matter?"

Clint smirked at that. "Probably not."

"I just protect what's mine," Natasha said easily as she walked in. "Clint, Darcy, Jane," she acknowledged with a nod, before swiping her upgraded Bites off of Tony's desk and walking back out.

Darcy stared after her. "...are we sure speaking her name doesn't summon her?"

Clint shook his head. "Trust me. Don't test it."

"Whatever, dude. She knows we're not a thing, good enough for me."

"You're too old for Darcy anyway," Jane said without glancing up from her machine.

"Hey!" Clint sputtered.

"Best friend ever," Darcy sighed happily.

* * *

Darcy leaned around a studio curtain to take a stealth photo of the Avengers. They were (with one large, green exception) arrayed in all their spandex-clad glory in chairs for an television interview. She texted it to Pepper with the caption  _everyone made it!_ and had to stifle a giggle when Pepper sent back  _OH THANK GOD_. Then she tuned back into the conversation.

"Well, we all know how I feel about responsibility," Tony had just quipped, to a round of laughter. "But it sneaks up on me sometimes. Being responsible for someone's creation is one thing, I got over that years ago," he waves his hand dismissively, "look at me, totally adjusted. But when they're in  _danger_ , you take it personally, you know?"

The room went totally and completely still.

Jane peered over Darcy's shoulder anxiously. "What happened? Why did it get all silent?"

"Stop scribbling math on napkins and maybe you'll hear," Darcy whispered back, but she was grinning delightedly. "Tony just went for it." Jane's eyes lit up and she actually put away the napkin to come listen with Darcy. Darcy mentally assigned herself ten points for having distracted Jane from Science!.

"Mr. Stark, are you implying you have a child? An _adult_ child?" the interviewer asked disbelievingly.

Tony let the silence drag on for a second, just to enjoy the faces, but then shook his head. "Don't be silly. Can you imagine? The media knows  _everything_ about me. TMZ used to run Fantasy Stark leagues to guess my next dinner date, for god's sake. But you think somehow I could hide a child for decades?" He winked at Darcy, who was laughing so hard offstage she'd had to bite on her fist. All those poor people on the internet who'd thought just that. "No, no. I am very emphatically **not** a father. I meant  _creation_  literally. Jarvis, buddy?"

"Yes, sir?" echoed through the room's speakers. Multiple people jumped, and a sound tech dropped a microphone. The Avengers took it in stride, though Steve looked slightly put upon. (Darcy and Jane called it his Tony Face in private.)

"Say hi to the nice people, Jarvis," Tony instructed.

"Hello everyone," the ceiling repeated dutifully. "Is that all, sir?"

"Perfect, J, you're the best. Go forth and compute." Tony beamed at the reporter. "Siri, pah! Simplistic nonsense. Jarvis makes her look like a particularly stupid goldfish. He's the way of the future!" His arms started to wave wildly as he prepared for a rant; Clint and Natasha stepped out of range in perfect unison. "It all began when I first started work on a project for the Air Force in 2002- sorry sweetheart,  _very_ classified-"

Darcy sighed wistfully as she watched Tony ramble on. The forum's reactions to his initial implications were priceless, but, well. This was it, then. The end of the ACID numbers. She tuned out Tony's rambling to instead pull out her phone and started compiling the best responses into the Operation file.

_if he thinks of his siri ripoff as his kid, he's got a lot of screws loose  
_

_did that asshole just pretend he has a kid to sell phones???_

_And suddenly I remember why I never take Tony Stark interviews seriously..._

As the interview finished up, Thor came to sweep Jane up in a hug and Tony bounced over to peer over Darcy's shoulder. "So? What do you think?"

"You got permission from Jarvis, right? You said you'd get permission from Jarvis," she said suspiciously.

"Your doubt pains me, Lewis. I didn't out  _him_. People start shrieking SKYNET as soon as you say the word 'AI'. Which, for the record, is a total-"

"Focus, Tony."

"Right, right. Jarvis! My explanations are full of lies. Lies and sales pitches. The next Starkphone is shipping with a really,  _really_ baby version of Jarvis, so as far as they're concerned, he's just a new feature. Not, like, a thinking being."

"You called him your child."

"I call the  _suit_ my child. Regularly and on camera."

Darcy accepted this with a nod. Then, after a second, her eyes narrowed. "Waaait. Did you just turn our game into a PR stunt for SI?"

Tony grinned at her unapologetically. "Hey, when a shiny Jarvis-sized opportunity appears, how can I resist?"

Darcy groaned. "I just helped Tony Stark make his embarrassingly large fortune even embarrassingly larger." Then she shrugged philosophically and picked up her phone. "Whatever. I'll expect my cut in the mail."

* * *

"Pepper! Light of my life! Savior of my company!" Tony crowed, running to scoop Pepper up in his arms as she came striding into the lab. "I missed you. Why did you leave me? You shouldn't do that. In fact, new rule. No leaving the Tower. Or possibly my presence."

"No, Tony," Pepper said, but she was smiling.

"Why not? I fail to see any problem with this plan. Who wouldn't want to spend all of their time with me?"

"You're the one who made me CEO, Tony," Pepper said with a laugh, and extricated herself from Tony's arms. "And the green energy symposium went quite well, I thought."

Tony froze. "That- wait, that was this week?" He pouted. "I wanted to go to that!"

"We had this conversation, Tony," Pepper said patiently. "Justin Hammer's family was there. We don't need an incident."

"I resent the implication," Tony sniffed. "I am a model of tact and all things diplomatic. Jarvis, you traitor, why didn't you remind me?"

"Sir, if you will recall, you instituted a policy of no-contact regarding the Hammer family after the incident with the chocolate fountain."

"...damn, I did, didn't I."

Pepper nodded, eyes twinkling. "Don't worry, I had it covered." She walked over to where Darcy was sitting and offered her hand to Darcy. "Excellent job, Ms. Lewis."

"Any time, boss lady," Darcy said, grinning, opting for a high five instead of a handshake. "Wrangling's sort of my specialty."

Tony gaped at her, spluttering. "You- you distracted me!"

"Ye _p_." Darcy propped her feet up on the coffee table and went back to paging through her magazine. "Worked, didn't it?"

"But this was supposed to be my secret PR plot," he whined. "You weren't supposed to be plotting  _too_."

"Hey, share the plotting love there, mister. Uncool."

"You turned on me! You are an embarrassment to the name of Stark!"

"To the what now?" Pepper asked, eyebrow raised. "What exactly were you two up to while I was gone?"

" _Well would you look at the time_ ," Darcy said in a rush, popping out of her seat. "Gotta go, enjoy the reunion, have good sex!"

As she darted from the room, she heard Pepper's voice behind her. " _Stark_ , Tony?"

"Now, Pep-"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FINALLY got this done! There will be a bonus posted at some point with Avengers house rules, but here ends the actual story. You're all wonderful, encouraging people and I'm so happy you guys have enjoyed it.
> 
> Sorry to all who were hoping they'd turn out actually related; I decided this way was more fun :D


	5. Bonus: Avengers House Rules (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was just going to be a list of rules and then little rules-relevant scenes kept popping into my head. So more things got written (which I am not at all sorry about) but it wound up taking far longer than just a list of rules (which I AM sorry about) so I'm posting the first five scenes now and will add the next five in a separate chapter, rather than take even MORE months without an update. I appreciate everyone's patience and support <333

** Avengers Tower House Rules **

_1. Insult Captain America in Coulson's presence and be prepared for the consequences._

Pepper walked into Coulson's office to find a junior SHIELD agent sobbing in the corner. She arched an eyebrow at Phil, who just stared back at her with his blandest expression. With a tolerant snort, she stuck a packet of tissues into the man's hand, then bustled him out of the room.

"Another one, Phil?" she commented, amused, as she took a seat. "That's the second this month."

"Is it?" he asked, mild curiosity in his voice. "Goodness, Recruitment must be getting desperate."

"Dare I ask what this one said?" she said as she started going through the paperwork he offered her.

"I'd prefer not to repeat it. Suffice to say he seems to feel Captain Rogers is merely a pawn in the political propaganda machine." He sighed. "Now I have another form to fill out."

She smiled at him and flipped a page. "If you didn't threaten them so often, you wouldn't need your own form."

"And yet, if they didn't disparage Captain Rogers so often, I wouldn't need to threaten them."

"True." Pepper signed a final form and stood to leave, sliding a piece of paper towards Phil. "Oh, and Phil? You might want this."

She'd even pre-filled their names in the form.

* * *

  _2\. No food in the air vents._

Clint slouched at a desk, filling out paperwork sullenly. Since this was how Clint filled out all his paperwork, that was not unusual. What was unusual was the group of Tower residents staring at him balefully as he wrote.

"I just-" he started.

"You're not done," Natasha said sweetly. Clint gulped and kept writing.

"What  _was_ it?" Darcy whispered to Coulson.

"Durian," he told her. "It's a fruit popular in southeast Asia."

"It's  _popular?_ " Darcy asked, horrified. "People  _voluntarily eat that._ For real?"

"Shall I look up consumption per capita for you, Miss Lewis?" JARVIS offered.

"No thanks, J-man, but I appreciate the thought."

"Really, I'm disappointed in you," Tony told Clint. "No top secret biochemical weapons, no corpses of your enemies stashed away for nefarious purposes. Fruit.  _Fruit_ , Barton. What kind of super spy ninja assassin are you? My image of you is forever ruined."

"Oh please," Darcy said, rolling her eyes. "You were in your workshop with your robots. Jane and I had to deal with the Jolly Green Giant crying  **BAD SMELL** in the corner for an hour because this asshat-" she smacked Clint on the head, who in an uncharacteristic display of guilt didn't even dodge,  "-couldn't be bothered to eat his olfactory death bomb outside like a  _sane_ person."

"I said I was sorry," he mumbled.

"Me too," volunteered Bruce. 

Darcy grinned at him. "You're fine, dude. No damage except a big puddle of Hulk-tears."

"Did we even know the Hulk could cry?" Jane asked, curiosity lighting her eyes. "I bet if we-"

Darcy cut her off with a long suffering sigh. "No, Jane. Not even for Science!.  _No more death fruit_."

* * *

_3\. If you interrupt the Science! the damage is your fault._

Thor's arrival in the lab was, as usual, preceded by his voice booming, "Good day, my friends!" What was less usual was Jane losing her grip on a piece of wire and dropping it on another, live wire. Sparks flew in every direction, and all the scientists swore.

"Move!" Darcy yelped, leaping up from her seat next to Erik and heading full speed for the door. "Move, move, move-"

She and Erik made it in time. Jane did not. With a loud  _snap_ _!_ , the machine contracted in on itself, and distorted in the air until it had formed a glowing blue circle. Thor roared and ran into the room, but before he got to Jane, she had already been swarmed by the things coming out of the portal, which looked like-

-pink chinchillas?

"Well, this is surprisingly pleasant," Erik commented, reaching to pet one.

Darcy immediately intercepted him. "Oh hell no, dude," she said with a scowl. "No touching the inter-dimensional pink chinchillas." She paused. "Why is that a sentence I have to say? Jane. Why did that sentence come out of my mouth."

"Because we actually made a wormhole!" Jane suggested, somewhat muffled by pink fur.

"Yeah, well, you made it to the wrong  _place!_ " Darcy shrieked, removing a chinchilla from her foot. "Now  _do something_. Before they turn out to be soul sucking demon chinchillas!"

"...that does sound like our life," Jane admitted.

"I shall attempt to communicate with them!" Thor offered. "Perhaps I can convey to them the need to return posthaste to their homeland."

"I have already alerted-" JARVIS started, but then the intercom turned on.

"Why is my lab full of pink tribbles?" Tony asked.

"THOR," they all yelled in unison.

It took Thor an hour to talk the alien chinchillas into returning to their own dimension. It took him five more to clean the pink fur off the lab.

* * *

_4. You must be fully clothed to leave the Tower._

"Explain to me why the fuck we have to have this meeting," Nick Fury said, eying the Avengers balefully.

"You secretly adore us and long for our company," Tony suggested.

"Contrary to popular belief, Stark, I have better things to do than lecture your sorry asses," Fury said. "And yet, here we are."

"Why  _are_ we here, sir?" Steve asked.

"Because Earth's Mightiest Heroes  _can't keep their damn pants on_ ," Fury said. "And despite Stark's reputation, I actually mean that literally. Clothes, people. You're grown-ass adults. When in public, _you will be clothed._ "

"I think I'm at an unfair disadvantage here," Bruce remarked.

Fury waved at him dismissively. "People only recognize the Hulk. Take it up with R&D, they say they're almost done with a prototype." He scowled. "The rest of you, however- Coulson?"

Coulson paged through a sheet of papers. "Let's see. Mr. Stark was spotted last month wandering on the Las Vegas Strip, unclothed and heavily intoxicated."

The others looked at him. He shrugged. "It was Rhodey's birthday. Tequila happened."

"Prince Odinson apparently found his clothing unwelcome during the heat wave two weeks ago."

"Truly, I had not thought Midgardians so prudish as to insist upon clothing even in the face of such heat," Thor rumbled.

"Barton visited a clothing-optional beach in New Jersey last weekend, and decided his clothing was indeed optional-"

"Don't worry, sir, learned my lesson," Clint said lazily. "Sand does  _not_ belong in some of those places."

"Did I look like I wanted to know that?" Fury demanded.

"-and Rogers and Romanoff had their uniforms dissolved by a new weapon from Hammer Industries during the battle yesterday," Coulson concluded.

"Just the uniforms?" Fury asked.

"Hammer's a sleazebag, and to reiterate? Widow was fighting, naked," Tony pointed out.

"It wasn't on purpose, sir," Steve said dryly.

"You know what?" Fury said. "I don't even care why it happened. It happened. To  _every single fucking one of you_. It happens again, and you're all stuck on paperwork duty until you _dream_ in triplicate.  _Do I make myself clear_ _?_ "

"Yes, sir," they all chorused obediently.

(They made it six months.)

* * *

_5\. Arguments are not decided by how many advanced degrees you have._

Tony joined the group on the couches with a loud thump as he flopped into his seat. "All right, peons, your mighty leader is here. Movie night may now begin."

"Steve's team leader," Natasha said, not looking up as she painted her fingernail red.

"Mighty employer?"

"We still work for SHIELD," Clint reminded him, and fired another nerf dart at the wall. He was just missing half the T until he had his name written out in darts.

"Fine. Mighty  _landlord_. Don't make me throw you ungrateful asshats out on the street," he sulked.

Bruce just looked at him and adopted a mournful expression.

"Okay, no, unfair," Tony complained, pointing at Bruce. "Stop! Stop with the- face, and the pouting, you are not allowed to use your Tragic Backstory against me, that is  _cheating_."

"You know, Tony, I didn't _have_ a home for years before you invited us here-" Bruce started.

"UGH." Tony threw a cushion at Bruce's head. "Whatever. Threat retracted, stay here forever, you manipulative free-loader."

"Has he ever won one of these?" Darcy asked Natasha as they painted another nail.

"One or two," she admitted.

"Out of?"

Natasha just smirked.

"I hate you all," Tony announced. "You should hanging on my every word. I'm a certified genius! With multiple doctorates! I-"

The next nerf dart hit him square on the mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last five rules will be in a separate chapter, because I have lost control of my life. The main story/plot is still done. Thank you all for reading! Feedback loved and appreciated.


	6. Bonus: Avengers House Rules (Part Two)

** Avengers Tower House Rules (Continued) **

_6\. What happens in Tony's bedroom stays in Tony's bedroom._

 "That was national television, Tony! _National. Television._ "

Tony dodged a Louboutin aimed at his head, only to get caught by the one to the stomach. "That- oof!- was a compliment, Pep!"

"That is a  _private_ compliment, not- ARGH!" Pepper stormed across the room, snatched up her shoes, and took aim again.

From the other side of the common room, Clint chimed in helpfully, "Arm a little higher."

Pepper raised her arm a little higher. The next shoe caught Tony in the groin. Wheezing on the ground, he glared at Clint. "Traitor," he gasped.

"Seems to me you're getting off lightly," Steve said disapprovingly. "Discussing Pepper's-" Pepper's angry gaze swiveled to Steve, and he gulped and raised his hands placatingly, "personal life in public like that."

"Oh god,  _Captain America_ heard that," Pepper moaned. "You." She hauled Tony upright by his tie. "If you  _ever_ do this again-"

"And we all know he's going to," Darcy felt compelled to point out, then promptly hid behind Thor at the sight of Pepper's expression.

Pepper took a long breath and let go of Tony's tie. He, wise man, did not attempt to move. "Groveling begins now," she informed him as she put her shoes back on. "I expect those new boots by tonight."

"But tonight is-" Tony started.

" _Tonight_ , Tony," Pepper said implacably as she headed for the elevator.

Bruce walked over, shaking his head, and stooped to check Tony's throat. "Are you all right? That looks like it hurt."

"All good, Brucie-bear," Tony waved him off, attempting a grin. "I buy 'em so they can be pulled on safely. Better for certain, y'know,  _activities-"_

There was a growl from outside by the elevators. Tony blanched. 

_"And the purse by lunch!"_

* * *

_7. At least pretend, around civilians, that you are not heavily armed at all times._

Jane looked over Thor's outfit, more than a little appreciatively. "Very nice, dear. But it's a little... militant, don't you think?"

Thor glanced down at himself. "I see no fault in my attire."

Darcy wandered by, re-pinned one of Jane's braids and straightened Erik's bowtie. "Hammer, Thor. She means leave the hammer."

"It's just that it's an art gala," Jane said apologetically.

"I was told this was a formal gathering, and I should come attired as befits a Prince of Asgard," Thor said. "Was this not so?"

"You remember how we talked about Midgardian politics?" Jane coaxed. "Why the President has bodyguards instead of his ownweapons?"

"Why it's not appropriate to challenge the King of Spain to a 'friendly bout'," Darcy muttered. Jane kicked her.

Thor sighed and put down the hammer. "So must I also refrain from donning my dress sword, then?" he asked plaintively.

"Yes, Poptart-brain, you must-" Darcy started, and was cut off by Thor's booming laugh. "Oh my god, you troll."

Six hours and several million dollars later, Thor remarked casually to no one in particular, "Surely, such damage could have been avoided, had I not been forced to summon Mjolnir." 

Natasha looked at the remaining half of the nearby wall contemplatively. "Well, my hairpin grenades do need some fine tuning still."

"Funny," Tony said from where he was still extracting himself from a mangled pile of armor and rubble. "I don't remember actually giving those to you."

Natasha shrugged. "They work."

"And if you waited until they were done, they'd work better!"

Darcy eyed Natasha's hair, which definitely still sparkled with decorative (?) pins, and took two steps backwards, just in case.

"All right, people," came Fury's growl from the doorway. "I know you know the rules. Which of you fuckers brought  _weapons_ to a  _charity benefit?"_

Bruce looked at him and crossed his arms expressively.

"For fuck's sake, not  _you."_

"You're the one who trained the secret agent ninja spies to hide weapons in the first place," Darcy muttered.

Coulson raised an eyebrow at her. "Are you volunteering to proofread our new security protocols, Miss Lewis?" he asked. "I'm told volume fourteen is particularly riveting."

"Gee, funny, that echo sure sounded like me, which is weird because I definitely said nothing at all, nope, not me."

Steve raised a hand. "Um, sir? Could we maybe do something about the prisoners first?"

* * *

_8. Col. Rhodes is always referred to as War Machine. Always._

Darcy stuck her head around the door to the conference room and grinned at its occupants. "I come bearing popcorn!"

"Popcorn!" Clint crowed and got up on his knees on his chair to wave grabby hands in her direction. "Gimme!"

"Down, puppy," Natasha said, rolling her eyes at him fondly. "Thank you, Darcy."

"Sure thing," Darcy said, settling into the chair next to Jane. Jane's head popped up when she smelled the popcorn, and she grabbed herself a bowl before returning to her equations. Voluntarily eating, _and_  the equations were being scribbled in an actual notebook, not on a napkin; Darcy made a mental note to give Jane a gold star on her Adulting Chart later. "So, what's up with the spontaneous security feed viewing party?"

Steve snuck a handful of popcorn and smiled at her innocently. Darcy's eyes narrowed. None of them trusted that smile. "We're monitoring the safety of the visiting generals, of course. Their safety is our responsibility."

Darcy examined the feeds playing on the far wall. Between Jarvis' high quality cameras and Tony's tendency to stock his conference rooms with screens that wouldn't look out of place in a small movie theater, the quality was certainly spectacular. This in no way lessened her confusion. "That's... definitely two generals. Do we care about these generals?" She shot Steve an innocent look of her own. "They're a little old for my men in uniform kink, Cap, you can have them." Thor bellowed with laughter as Steve spluttered a denial around his popcorn, and gave her a pat on the back that briefly numbed her shoulder.

"It's more why they're here," Bruce explained, and Darcy shot him a grateful look. He looked rather like a very rumpled, nerdy cat that had caught the military canary. "They're here to discuss Colonel Rhodes."

"What, is something wrong with him? Or with War-  _ooooooooh,"_ Darcy lit up, leaning forwards towards the screen. She laughed when Steve and Bruce politely averted their eyes. Clint just gave her a high five. She high fived him back, of course; Respect the Boobs.

"Shouldn't be long now," Natasha said. "Stark likes to make them wait, but then  _he_ has to wait, which- there it is." Sure enough, Tony could be seen striding towards the generals. Everyone simultaneously reached for more popcorn. "JARVIS, audio please?"

"Of course, Agent," JARVIS said, and suddenly the room was alive with sound.

"-for taking the time, Mr. Stark," the older general was saying, looking like he'd swallowed something sour. "We know you're a busy man."

"What can you do," Tony said airily. "My engineering genius and my superhero lifestyle are just  _so_ time consuming. And yet, here I am, generously taking time out of my schedule just for you. What can I do for you gentlemen?"

The two generals exchanged tired glances. "We've sent letters, Mr. Stark, but we have so far received no response. We had some questions about the upgrade schedule for Iron Patriot-"

_**WHEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOO** **WHEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOO WHEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOO!** _

The room lit up with flashing lights as the lobby's sirens went off. Spotting Tony's earplugs, Darcy blew a "thank you for muting the ear splitting wails" kiss to the nearest camera. The wall below the camera lit up with tiny LEDs in the shape of a thumbs up.

"You know, until Tony, I didn't know you could order sirens in red and gold," Bruce said conversationally.

"Shhh, we're missing it!" Jane scolded.

Back on screen, the generals were looking alarmed. "Is something happening?" one asked. "If necessary, we can call in Iron Patriot-"

_**WHEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOO** **WHEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOO WHEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOO!** _

This time the sprinklers went off as well. On the general's side of the room, of course. Tony flicked a single drop off his shoulder and smiled beatifically. "No no, nothing's happening."

The generals glared at him. Since they were soggy and shivering - and given it was in the seventies, Darcy suspected Tony of chilling the sprinkler water - the glares were entirely ineffective. "Clearly  _something_ is happening, Mr. Stark. We would come back at a better time, but it's becoming pressing that we get the promised upgrades for Iron Patriot-"

_**WHEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOO** **WHEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOO** **WHEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOO!** _

Bruce sighed happily and took more popcorn. "They never learn."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand that's all for now, folks. Sorry the House Rules ended up at 8 instead of 10, but I decided late (...by a year and a half? Ack!) and short was better than never. Thank you all so much for reading! Feedback loved and appreciated, as always.

**Author's Note:**

> So I've never actually written a fic here before, but I encountered the Darcy Lewis is Tony Stark's Daughter tag, and then this popped into my head and wouldn't go away. Share in my silliness!


End file.
